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Fall and Rise by ~VanyelFirestorm:iconVanyelFirestorm:

Categories Literature > Poetry > Human Nature > Fixed


Running stunted stum'bling soldiers
soldier on with all their cunning
gunning down without a sense
of wickedness or innocence

face to plaster blaster walls
wallowing in their disgrace
trace amounts of small remorse
flicker through the brutal force

smoking ruins tune in laughter
laughable to think their joking
weeping windows drip with flame
o'er reckless revolutions game

a civil vigil's what remains
remnants of a darker day
gray ashes and smould'ring sky
under which their mem'ries lie...
©2008-2009 ~VanyelFirestorm
:iconvanyelfirestorm:

Author's Comments

My most ambitious poem to date.

Style:

(A) (First Vowel Same) (First Vowel Same) (B) {8 syllables}
(Variation On B) (Words) (A) {8 syllables}
(A) (Words) (C) {7syllables}
(Words) (C) {8 syllables}

(D) (First Vowel Same) (First Vowel Same) (E) {7 syllables}
(Variation On E) (Words) (D) {7 syllables}
(D) (Words) (F) {7syllables}
(Words) (F) {7 syllables}

(G) (First Vowel Same) (First Vowel Same) (H) {8 syllables}
(Variation On H) (Words) (G) {8 syllables}
(G) (Words) (I) {7syllables}
(Words) (I) {8 syllables}

(J) (First Vowel Same) (First Vowel Same) (K) {8 syllables}
(Variation On K) (Words) (J) {7 syllables}
(J) (Words) (L) {7syllables}
(Words) (L) {7 syllables}

Comments


love 0 0 joy 0 0 wow 0 0 mad 0 0 sad 0 0 fear 0 0 neutral 0 0
:icongamerhomie:
~Gamerhomie Apr 8, 2008, 5:53:28 AM
Very cool. The only part I don't really like are the first few words. "Running" and "soldiers" is needed, stupid is alright, but I don't like stunning. The only part that doesn't look right. Also, the entire structure is balanced except for the first line which if it had one syllable less, it would have a better balance. Instead of 8, 7, 8, 8, it would be 7, 8, 7, 8.

--
I'm always in search of Comments and Critiques. Tell me what you think.
:icong-smooth101:
~g-smooth101 Apr 8, 2008, 5:58:26 AM
No what. I'm not even going to try to make sure the structuce is right,it will only give me a headache. But anyway I like it.

--
I don't floss, I just bring chaos
:iconvanyelfirestorm:
~VanyelFirestorm Apr 8, 2008, 9:19:12 AM
Lol, thanks much my man.

--
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be...
:iconvanyelfirestorm:
~VanyelFirestorm Apr 8, 2008, 9:21:48 AM
It would have been perfect if I could have made the first line of the last verse 7 syllables but theres no way to shorten any of those words. Syllables took last place in the hierarchy of importance with this piece. And yeah, I dont like the word stunning either, im considering changing the phrase to "stunted stumbling"...

--
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be...
:icongamerhomie:
~Gamerhomie Apr 8, 2008, 10:18:52 AM
Much better wording, still 8 though.

But it's fine because it makes sense now so don't worry about it, lol.

--
I'm always in search of Comments and Critiques. Tell me what you think.
:iconvanyelfirestorm:
~VanyelFirestorm Apr 8, 2008, 10:59:09 AM
Lol, I wasnt going to change it any more. Im okay with one line outta the whole thing being off by one syllable.

--
When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me, Whisper words of wisdom, Let it be...
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April 7, 2008
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